Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦‍♂️ whatever u say gorgeous

My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.

My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.

Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.

4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?

Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious

You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.

[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)

Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?

Me: uh… someone from Virginia