Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.

Me: Alexa, text my mother-in-law back

Alexa: Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now. Please try again later

Me: Perfect, send it

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.

fixed it

all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?

If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.