It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.

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BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*


SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!


My friend said a baby crying is the best form of birth control but there was a baby bawling next door all night & my girlfriend got pregnant


My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.


Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”


Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, no one wants to hear about your workout.


THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening


Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.


A facebook friend posted, “I’m not ashamed of Jesus.” It took every single ounce of my willpower not to reply, “Uh oh. What did he do now?”