@Schindizzle

It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.

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@TheRealNickKay

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*

@amydillon

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

@zachreinert03

My friend said a baby crying is the best form of birth control but there was a baby bawling next door all night & my girlfriend got pregnant

@cravin4

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

@skittle624

Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”

@hiitsgabrielle

Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, no one wants to hear about your workout.

@bornmiserable

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening

@MomofTeen

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

@OneWonderWoman

A facebook friend posted, “I’m not ashamed of Jesus.” It took every single ounce of my willpower not to reply, “Uh oh. What did he do now?”