It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
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Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
The struggle is real.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”