It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
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Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
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Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
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“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
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[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.