Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.

Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]

sorry this might take a while…

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.

“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?

Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.

Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.

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