It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
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me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
you will never know the true number of layers
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Why soy sad?
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees