It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
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Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
My safe word is Worcestershire
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
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Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
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I have taken up painting
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Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.