It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
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[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
He’s cranky this morning
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls