Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?

me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?

Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]

iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you

Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]

iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!

Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “You’ll be back.”

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

nobody’s gonna understand

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

men’s fashion peaked in 1838

my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

*Bat signal lights up Gotham*

Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*

“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?

Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN

Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet