Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset

Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

Love it! 👍😂

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

I went from rags to one rag.

Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case

Word: sweet, I’ll change the font

Me: no no keep the font

Word: ok I’ll just change the size

Me: please keep the size the same

Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon