It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
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microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
absolutely not
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me