Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1188490881327718403/pu/vid/720x960/nuQL88x5pMfuFfJz.mp4?tag=10

He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?

Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink

Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?

Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.

There are 2 types of buyers in me:

1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago

2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??

Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown

(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”

(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*

My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF