Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

Wife: Hey can you-

Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.

Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.

Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw

Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment

Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”

It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change

I want to know about the Oreo incident…

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised

All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.

Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.

running feels great unless you compare it to not running

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.

Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.