[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
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Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work