@wwwdotben

It’s 3000 AD. Everything is fleek. President Updog has dissolved congress. Women make 700x what men do. I’m still writing 2014 on my checks.

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@batkaren

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

@difficultpatty

Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.

@KeetPotato

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

@GrantTanaka

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

@jazz_inmypants

what if u had to have sex every day during pregnancy to keep building the baby

@Jake_Vig

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

@stereofiasco

I like having fraud protection on my credit cards but it’s a little insulting to receive an alert just because I bought name-brand toilet paper.

@ODeadInside

“Will someone please just help me open this window? I need to smoke!”

Me, drunk on the airplane