Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber

BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!

Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy

Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back

Marty: it’s just bread

Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother

Marty: what?

Doc Brown: what, what?

[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”

My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *

*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster…

I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!

*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”

Every child ever: No you’re not.

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

4-year-old: That’s it?

Me: What did you want it to be?

4: A dragon.

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.