Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

plot twist: satan sold his soul to me

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

idk flipping houses looks really hard

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”

“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side

me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.

Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?

I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

Biden: Trump’s sons were nice

Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day

B: Uday and Qusay?

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

😭😭

Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?