“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
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The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
ugh not again
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.