Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.

I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT

My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch

everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances

The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy

Overindulged this afternoon.

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.

Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.