It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
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[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
i hope my email finds you on fire
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.