It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
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*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.