Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.

How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?

Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard

Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.

Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

Nobody:

My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.

I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”

“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.

If you need a laugh.. 😅