“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
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I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
the icebreaker
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016