Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

You’re an adult. You can do what you want.

Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.

Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july

Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.

my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.

Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.

I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?

Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.

Friend: Sounds awful.

Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.

Friend:

Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”

We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”

Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close

[on a first date in a restaurant]

him: so what did you do last weekend?

me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.

him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time

me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn

Maybe I’m the problem..

Nvm that don’t even sound right

Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.