Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
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Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
yeet
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.