It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
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Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Cat.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo