It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
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I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Windows
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?