Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.

*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.

Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.

8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?

Me: Ask your mom.

Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

It’s like my therapist always says, that’ll be $175

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.

Friend: Take more chances in life.

Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?

Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

A comic by Dan Piraro

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you

Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

murder on the timeline