It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
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Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
🇺🇸🤭
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing