Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”

Stan: “Hey there.”

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.

Him: Hey

Me: *flashes box of super tampons*

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”

[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?

Me:

Daughter:

Me:

Daughter:

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.