It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
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[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Dammit Chief not again
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone