It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
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My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.