It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast
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You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Cinema or bowling
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!