Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

Me: A problem shared is half solved.

Invigilator: sit in the front.

In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.

no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass

Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.

homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”

A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”

When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]

A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably