Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

I have issued a new executive order prohibiting library patrons from telling me how tired I look

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

From my Mom

Cornhub…

For them dirty farmers.

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

I enjoy a good short stor

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”

“No.”