Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”

Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..

My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.

Husband: What are they?

Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.

Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river