It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
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Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty