Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

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The Chosen Phew

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty

“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”