It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
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MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.