Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”

My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

Top of the ramen to ya, laddies

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!

Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.

This could be us but you eatin’

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

[BOOPS nose]

COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.

Order here:
More here:

WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

The three genders

I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.

Me: why? What do you mean?

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking

Well, my evening plans are ruined

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.