It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
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Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Super Hand Dog Face
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”