Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.

i choose….tongue

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

True embarrassment lies within your first email address

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?

11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”

*crunching sounds*

Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]

Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.

Me: I miss you.

My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.

Me: No, I just miss —

My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.

“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”

-Me, to my laundry basket.

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

Hey! This isn’t my car!

I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.