It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
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My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative