Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

I’ve been laughing for an hour straight

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”

Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

Me: “Time to go to sleep.”

My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor

My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”

—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.