Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!

Shoulder angel:

Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same

My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.

[algebra class]

KID: This is so stupid

TEACHER: You may need it in your job

KID: What job?

TEACHER: …

KID: …

TEACHER: Algebra teacher?

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”

Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”

jesus christ confetti not now

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.

Google assistant rules

See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?

That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.

how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms

If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

getting seasonal up in here

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there