“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
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I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Math at Halloween.
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience