it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
