Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.

TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.

Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”

He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.

“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.

Blindsided me.

I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.

I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

*names my little horse OneTrick*

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.

Kay’s emergency department tape rule:

If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.

If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.

About to go for a run, because shoplifting

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

The French word for sex is croissant.