Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

* Kindergarten*

Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]

[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.

shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo

[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees

My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.