It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
You Might Also Like
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
screw you
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on