It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
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If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours