Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying

*uses Oujia board*

ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ

me: what’s updog?

ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ

me: what

cat: what

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.

Me: What am I?

4-year-old: In the way.

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

5: Dad, can you get me pasta?

Me: Ah, we don’t have any.

5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.

Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.

Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.

I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?