It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
You Might Also Like
Um … Hot Wings please
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
