It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
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You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
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Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
How times have changed.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.