Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.

Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”

Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”

“Sounds awf…”

“Awesome. I know.”

I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud

Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s

my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot

“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”

If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?

Son: What’s dehydrated milk?

Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.

Me: Moocaine

Wife: Why are you like this?

[runs into friends with baby]

Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.

Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?

Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?

Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’

Me: you can’t be seriousful

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

No, I haven’t seen any dogs

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”

When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave

Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas