It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
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For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses