It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
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Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row