It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
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Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs