It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
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“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
the composer
Did…did a minotaur write this
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
why I oughta
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.