Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
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New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Morning wood makes the best fire.