@UncleDuke1969

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”

“Nope.”

“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”

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@stephenjmolloy

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

@TheThomason

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

@maisondecris

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

@audipenny

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

@KentWGraham

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.

@michael_raphone

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

@LetMeStart

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

@PolishWonder79

Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.