“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
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Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”