@UncleDuke1969

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”

“Nope.”

“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”

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@OddMarc

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

@SladeWentworth

Me: What’s your favorite fruit?

Son #2: Tacos.

Me: No, I said fruit.

S2: You have my answer.

@AndyAsAdjective

Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.

@Brianhopecomedy

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

@funnyoneliners

I want my children to be independent headstrong people. Just not while I’m raising them.

@evidentlyblonde

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”

@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no

@shkeeber

“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”

*slams phone*

Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

@_emilyoram

Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

@pleatedjeans

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?