“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
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Check your privilege
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6