“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
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My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Breaking news:
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
o shit
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.