“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
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me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*