Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.

Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?

Me: No, just spots.

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]

Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.

Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.

GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?

ME: Leave that to me.

[later, at dinner]

HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.

ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.