“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
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I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.