“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
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[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.