Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I never met him

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:

•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”

“It’s 25 carats…”

[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.

How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:

1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight

PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”

I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me: