Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers

We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

I am never leaving this website

Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?

WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?

Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

I have half a mind to…

Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap