Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.

My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: *leaves on read*

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”

Me: “That’s kind of the point.”

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking

[we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough