It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

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No Twitter crush. I have a twitter boyfriend who I intend to marry and have twitter babies. Then twitter divorce and take all his followers.


Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”


No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.


“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru


Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt


Dearest Timmy,

Your obsession with wells is tearing us apart.



my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town


Estimated assembly time said 20 minutes, it took much longer than that.

Clearly the instruction writer is overly confident in his skills.


My ex used to send me unsolicited nudes all the time. But now my new boyfriend always ask my dad for permission before he sends them, and he sends them to my mom too. Ladies, do not settle, your time will come and you will find the right man