It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
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I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
saving face 👀