@gibbet

“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

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@BoogTweets

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

@thepaulahunt

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

@deanna_ficco

Sex is the most fun you can have in life without gaining weight or having a hangover the next day.

@notviking

DR: i’m afraid you’re sterile
ME: yeah i just washed my hands
DR: no…you can’t have kids
ME: right. men can’t get pregnant
DR: you’ll never be able to pass down your genes
ME: that’s okay. when i finally have a son i’ll just buy him his own pair

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me one of your long term goals”

Sleeping

“No, I meant-”

*leans in way too close* My answer isn’t going to change

@ShootyDoody

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

@acakes421

Me:
Hello, darkness…my old friend.

Darkness:
HARD PASS, Chatty Cathy.

@AristotlesNZ

Apparently, “Dude, that’s the best she’s EVER going to look” was not the type of objection to the marriage the priest was asking about.

@notalogin

Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.