“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

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The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.


“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.


Sex is the most fun you can have in life without gaining weight or having a hangover the next day.


DR: i’m afraid you’re sterile
ME: yeah i just washed my hands
DR: no…you can’t have kids
ME: right. men can’t get pregnant
DR: you’ll never be able to pass down your genes
ME: that’s okay. when i finally have a son i’ll just buy him his own pair


[job interview]

“Tell me one of your long term goals”


“No, I meant-”

*leans in way too close* My answer isn’t going to change


I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.


Hello, darkness…my old friend.

HARD PASS, Chatty Cathy.


Apparently, “Dude, that’s the best she’s EVER going to look” was not the type of objection to the marriage the priest was asking about.


Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.